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There comes a time in all of our lives when we need to admit defeat.
We can’t fix it all, we can’t do it all, and we can’t know it all – but luckily A Walk in the Black Forest can help.

Because Peterpedia does know all, does see all, can fix all.

No problem too complex, no question out of bounds.

You ask it – he’ll solve it!

peterpedia@walkblackforest.org

Don’t be scared into silence…

EPISODE #239 – Spreading Jesus For Breakfast

The crowds flock, women weep, children get hit by carts – the whole village turned out for the return of Richard. Some thought it a publicity stunt for his forthcoming CD release with Beyonce, but no, in fact he has returned to the field of battle!

As we rejoiced at the return, GWB has not been so happy. Nothing to do with Richard, mind you i’m not too sure he’s heard him sing, but with Iraq (Irak). You see the War To Terrorise hasn’t been going so well. You see, those civilians are pesky – they keep fighting back. Who knew kids would defend their dead and dying friends?! So intead of “Staying the Course” the US are now going to use terms that don’t solve the problem in Iraq (Irak), they’re just going to ‘Rephrase The Debate’. Use new words for ‘defeat’, maybe a new one for ‘civilian casualties’ or ‘breach of the Geneva Convention’, or even ‘ooops we did it again!’. In Australia we don’t have to worry – our government just keep using the same phrase over and over “Yes Master!”.

With Pete keeping us informed about world affairs, it was up to me to bring it down to the important issues… Jesus. Look, he pops up everywhere. Hanging from car rear-vision mirrors, in places of worship, even during Christmas time – but now we think he should follow in the footsteps of James Blunt and Jude Law – and I don’t mean sleep with Sienna Miller. That’s right, appear on toast! I mean look, what’s breakfast without a bit of forgiveness – “Forgive us this day, our daily bread“!! See, there’s something in it. So next time you’re spreading a celebrity – maybe think of spreading Jesus.

So for some reason Jesus lead us to vegetarianism/ veganism. Now with both Richard and I having been both, and me still holding on valiantly, this was an interesting topic. If you’re vego, what meat product would you break your vego commitment to. So the first meaty meal you would have. Now for me it’s easy – Christina Aguilera! For Richard it was a variety of foods. Foods he eventually threw up, but some of it is probably still rotting in his stomach as we speak!! Now Pete on the other hand, has never gone the vego option, and during the discussion we worked out why. He’s all about the meat!!! In fact on Oxford street, that’s his nickname – Mr Meat.

The talk of meat, as vile as it was, had a happy ending that left me drooling Richard discovered a utoipa. A place of refuge from the madding crowd. Where all people can get together, taked refuge in tanks and blow the crap out of each other with Tankball!!! Take Paintball, use tanks instead and we have Tankball! Hell if i was going to be playing – i’d want a tank – bugger it, i want one to go shopping in too!! In fact this is the tank they use;
Bfs1e.jpg

FV432 with 30mm Radden Turret… sexy!!
Now if you don’t have a tank at home (HELLO!!!), try this then: Online Tankball.

Millions of Peaches returned with a flurry too. Apparently Peaches is now bored of DJ Tourettes. She fancies Fred Lez, and showed her affection (according to the UK media) with a bit of a pash and a “finger fest”… But apart from Fred Lez, Peaches is also starting her own jewellery range. They can’t think of a name. It was going to be ‘Diamonds 4 Girls’, then they thought about ‘Twinkly Things I Like’, but didn’t fit on the label. So now they’re pretty happy with the name ‘Pearl’. So she’ll start off with a Pearl necklace, some Pearl earrings, and maybe some Pearl beads. Well that’s her Saturday night sorted, now she just has to decide on what jewellery to sell!

The Fuck-O-Meter was a little active, but settled down as we went along. I lost count after 3 all in the first 20 minutes.

Sincere Apology

I know A Walk in The Black Forest has crossed some boundaries this year.

We’ve tackled some taboos, tore down some tall poppies – but nothing has illicited the response, nay the fury, from last weeks show.

So i will take it upon myself to officially apologise for the incident.
I apologise to you, to my family, and of course the boys!

I can assure you, that never again (even when in context) will i play a track by Status Quo!

Again – we don’t often back away from the content – but this was just too serious to ignore.

EPISODE #238 – Ill’n, Chill’n’ and a little bit of Jill’n’!

You see, when a triumvirate is absent a member it’s a sad day… almost as sad a Little Johnny, he’s never had a member!

So with Richard recovering from his unfortunate eye damage after a particularly heavy jilling session with “Goofy” Downer, Pete and Abe took the reigns.

This week saw further movement of the WBF HQ to the trendy Inner West suburb of Newtown. Every Sunday you will find Pete and Richard strolling lazily down King Street with a crisp paper bag filled with freshly baked croissants, a cafe late mochachino in a cardboard cup with one of those little plastic spouts in the other hand as the window shop in the trendy bookshop which is next to the trendy shoe shop, just across the road from the trendy afro-carribean vegan homewares framing and crystal emporium. And then, as Pete quietly slips away (Richard distracted by the latest paperclip desk accessory in the trendy not-really-sure-what-this-shop-is-for shop) to quietly purchase some truffle oil. And as you would have heard – it’s later that day that Pete uses this oil for another Sunday evening tradition; “Tooling off with Truffles”.

In quick succession we then slammed the new media whore Mischa Barton (who is apparently now for sale to the highest bidder), Brendan Nelson who’s always been for sale to the highest bidder, and Lindsay Lohan (who doesn’t charge!).

With the government now considering putting Australians in the army to learn skills for the modern world (like bayonetting, the correct use of grenades, and how to treat trench foot) we pondered the idea of utilising someone else to boost the army’s numbers… say, the Taliban. They’re out of work, have experience, don’t get drunk on duty or play with their guns. Maybe Hezbollah – they beat the Israelis! I mean who wants a bunch of uni students defending our country? You’ve seen schoolies! Do you really want a bunch of schoolies with assault rifles. Ironically if they were in the army they would probably be less likely to have access to one – since the army barely have enough equipment to go around anyway.

What would a show be without a report on the War to Terrorise?! Infact in the Uk, now the teachers are getting involved. Thought detention was bad for acting up? Now if you shit them, they’ll report you to the Homeland Security goons and you’ll find yourself in Abu Gharaib! The UK are using racial stereotyping to monitor any “middle eastern/ asian” people studying at universties in the fields of medicine or science. Well we say ‘No’! In fact if anything the people of more danger to Australia are the Prime Ministers. Those bushy eyed little ideologs. They don’t integrate, have their own personal army, they form enclaves, and are a drain on the economy… They’re Prime Heads!!! Send them packing.

We think we may have discovered why Australia is in drought – Malcolm Turnbull is in charge of Australia’s water! The man who lost the republican referendum… But Little Johnny has a plan. Let’s pay the rich farmers to stay farmers in an evironment that can’t actually sustain the crop that wasn’t ever meant to grow here. The government stands by farmers. But we demand value for money – Work For The Crop. We want to see value for our tax $$. With 90% of Australia’s water going to the farmers and the bush – what do the vast majority of Australia’s population get… part from the cast of Qantas ads, McLeods daughters and the National Party. Hold on… LET THEM BLEED!!!!

Okay, Richard will return next week – when i’m sure the burp quotient will increase!

alright, already, al..something or other, I get it

OK peeps, you will have noticed that show 237 has not yet been converted in digital finery and place here for your downloading pleasure.  I have been moving house and ahve no broadband access (fuck you pacific!).  Next week I will upload both shows 237 and the sans richard (jilling wounds hopefully healed – thanks Mr Downer) show 238!

 

 

EPISODE #237 – Take A Kim Jong-il Pill, Dude!!

Now if you heard last week’s show, you will know that Peter (of peterpedia@walkblackforest.org fame) has decided to outsource both Richard and myself. Following various government and corporate Australian models, Sanjeev Wotaknob and Goobtah Wellcheckthisout will in fact be brought in to take our place. Interesting for all 4 of us really, but not as interesting as the experiences we have all had with Pacific Internet, who are also outsourcing. Tales of woe, questionable customer service, and quality naan ensued. I love Naan, Peshwari naan to be precise. In fact so much so that we have decided to move WBF HQ to the home of naan – Newtown, Sydney. With both of the lads (not including Sanjeev and Goobtah who are currently living in Pete’s TV cabinet) now Newtown Boyz (please notice the very intentional “z”) it makes sense to move there. Mind you with the wealth of very good indian restaurants, we may need to be careful – the whole suburb may get outsourced to Mumbai!

The big news this week was the release of Wave 4 of GI Joe Sigma Six figures… oh no, wait on that was my big news. The other big news was our northern neighbour deciding to test some glow in the dark firecrackers. Look, who are we to say it’s irresponsible. John Howard’s the Prime Minister, Alexander Downer is the Foreign Minister and we still still have Australian Idol on TV. Speaking of crap… Alexander Downer has decided to take the lead on North Korea’s recent glow in the dark fireworks testing. Lexy is a true expert in Korean politics. He knows the people, he knows the country – it’s just a shame he knows different people in different countries. But that being said it’s not going to stop him adding comment and informed analysis on the issue. Now as for Kim Jong-il – what exactly did he do wrong? Okay granted he’s not exactly a fashion icon, nor is he a stunner – but that guy has nukes! And you know what that means? Huge penis!!!

_39345865_ap_albright203.jpgkimandparis.jpg

LEFT: Here’s Kim Jong-il now in one of his best suits! Not too sure who that man standing next to him is though – looks tough… maybe KGB!
RIGHT: Kim Jong-il proving he loves porn and skanky hoes

Not only are they using glow in the dark fireworks over in Asia, but Richard discovered they have technology that will rock the world to it’s knees. 36 hour erection technology. It’s true – stuff Viagra, forget the pump, get rid of your inflattable Carmen Electra, this stuff is the real deal. Richard said it was spam – but on closer inspection, it was addressed so;
“Dear Richard, Thank you for your enquiry into our product. We appreciate your enthusiasm, but we really didn’t need the pictures you sent us. Please don’t contact us again.”
Pete says this technology’s for wimps – then proceeded to show us how to change a light bulb without using his hands.
You know, maybe if Kim Jong-il knew of this technology he could save money on nukes and have his own private massive erections. Kim Jong-il, coming to a webcam near you!!! The North Koreans are going to kill me aren’t they?

I need a TIVO. You can fast forward the ads (and even cut them out), it tapes multiple programmes, you can set and forget it. Unfortunately PBL and the media conglomerates here don’t think you need it – so they’re suing anyone who tries to even think of bringing it here. Now this shits me… what did Steve Irwin die for if not to give us this privilege?

Millions of Peaches, Peaches’ blows goats!! Anyway, i don’t actually know that, but i’m sure Pete has the footage. Now Peaches caught a bus this week, a double decker bus. Not the first time she’s had a double decker, but that’s beside the point. I don’t know if that’s true either frankly. Her dad, Boomtown Bob, is in Africa dedicating more of his time to leach sympathy of unfortunate people to gain himself more fame. Harsh? Get a life!!! His new reality TV show, the Bobest Loser is about an absent father who travels the world simplifying people’s plight while still being able to look “windswept and interesting” against the african sky. There’s only one contestant, Boomtown Bob, but really doesn’t the universe revolve around him anyway?
Meanwhile Peaches has been making “Friends” (too funny) with David Schwimmer, you know, Ross from Friends. Wait on, i want to say Friends again in this section… Anyway, dad wouldn’t be pleased, not becasue he’s 22 years older than her, but because she was out and had a bit too much to “drink”. Those damn wet nostrils!! But apparently her boyfriend/ friend-who-is-a-boy Johnny Tourettes (DJ fucking-arsehole-yip-yip-sucky-knob) gave her a ring.
You expected a line there didn’t you?
It was even a pearl ring… i’m being good… i’m not saying it

You don’t know how hard this is!!

The fuck-O-Meter was off the charts this week. I claim responsibility. Pete won with 6, Richard in 3rd with 3, and i was in there with 4. Can you believe it?

Stay tuned next week when we’ll turn the WBF eye on the world…

EPISODE #236 – Lamingtons – The Silent Killer!

With the ire of the world’s dominant powers turing toward the triumvirate of WBF, we beat a hasty retreat to Studio 7. Once famous in radio folklore for the last place The Parrot had an original thought, Studio 7 was now the broadcast point feared by corporate juntas, capitalist ideologs, and collectors of Pokemon cards!

So what is an Aussie Icon? What makes an icon and icon? Is it the sweaty jock strap of Wally Lewis? The frothy dessert of pavlova? Or the quintessional lamington? Lamington i hear you say.
Yes i know!!
Possibly the only sweet that can kill you! Come on, you can’t say you’ve never nearly choked on a lung full of desiccated coconut! Lamingtons… an icon? Hardly, they kill thousands of unsuspecting kids and nannas every day in this country. Fuck the lamington!

As the War on Terrors begins to unravel, we found another weak spot, and another chink in the metaphoric armour… Sydney Airport! Flocking point for the emotionally unstable, bastion of the family farewell, home of the great unwashed. So it seems in a universe under potential attack, it only takes an A4 sign to stop imminent attack. Well apparently that all it takes at the Arrivals section of Sydney airport! Just a simple blue A4 sign saying “No Entry”. If there really was a War on Terror, don’t you think more than a sign would need to be taken to stop a bomb-weilding loon blowing up a large crowd of bystanders, or maybe passport control at Australia’s largest airport? Well it didn’t seem to stop people walking straight passed it to meet their relatives! They could have been packing some heat, a bomb… a dozen lamingtons!!!
Now all we need is a few of these on some important bulidings and maybe people won’t fly planes into them! Well with the massive security presence at the Harbour Bridge, maybe a sign would be more effective!
Pete decided this week to “Reframe the Debate”. Take it to the politicians. Hell, just because we have soldiers dying overseas, citizens being locked up under sedition laws (remember it is illegal to report on arrests or trials taking place under sedition laws), new immigrants being harassed, legal refugees being locked up in gaol, doesn’t mean we should turn the tables on the critics. Little Johnny and his Bootlicking cronies are masters of it. Critises anything, and it’s your fault. That’s right – you don’t work hard enough, you take too many breaks, you don’t spend enough, you don’t have enough kids, you’re not the right colour, you don’t go to the right schools… you aren’t one of us!!! So go away – who are you to critisise?
Democracy?
Fuck that!!

Microsoft, always the bastions of new technology, have brought out their answer to the iPod. Richard has an iPod, it holds songs – at least temporarily. But Microsoft now offer you cutting edge technology to compete; the Zune.
Zune 1 [small].JPG
This is the Zune. The main selling point of the Zune? Their catchy slogan; “Dude – you’ve got a Zune…”. Well no spongebob, i don’t. Know why? The Microsoft Zune; Holds less songs, in a world of portability is bigger and heavier, is the same price, and comes in such great colours; the ubiquitous white, black and wait for it – brown. But not any brown! It’s 1970s IKEA brown!! Stylish Microsoft.
“Microsoft, it’s new, it’s revolutionary – we should know – we stole the idea from the people who came up with it”.

This week we also launched the Peterpedia. Your radio source for information on the world. So if you’d like to ask Peterpedia anything, email him peterpedia@walkblackforest.org. He’ll be able to turn his encyclopedic knowledge to solving it. Just don’t ask him Michael Hutchence’ mums name… that’s still under consideration!

Millions of Peaches turned it’s light on Bobby Bob. Seems Peaches’ dad wrote his biography “One Day My Daughter Will Be a Pretentious Prat” many lies, including his influence on women. If it wasn’t the smell or his head that told you that was a lie – you’re a tool!! Apparently Peaches takes after her old man – he’s obsessed with guys too! Go Bobby Bob!! Keep looking, it’ll distract you from writing any more music… yuck!!!

The Fuck ‘O’ Meter this week was reasonably sedate, except when it came to the word “lamington”. Well what was i going to do? The word came up and i had to react! What would you have done? Stand up people – fight the lamington!!!