EPISODE #282 – Get Your Hotten Sexen at the Coconuts

Was Pete still away? Absence makes the heart grow fonder – but this is just stupid!

Stuck in Australian quarantine after an unfortunate dealing with a pair of Thai Fisherman’s Pants, Pete had to phone in on a secure line called Albert. Albert turned out to not be so secure and the entire conversation can now be seen on YouTube – 4 second delay and all!! Speaking to someone on delay needs a special kind of skill, a dexterity of thought and action… so we hung up, rang back and got a better line.

So once we had him in living colour, we could move on!

“Could” being the operative word, but instead we learnt about the Dutch. Pete has recently been in Holland, land of arrogant men and stoic women, and had somewhat of a cultural awakening – a renaissance so to speak. He loves the Dutch; their cycling, their recent dumping of a Right wing government, and of course their affinity with manually filling leaks with digits. It’s all positive – it’s all Dutch!!

Meanwhile, over in the Old Dart, Jeremy Paxman (famed UK news anchor) has caused a bit of a storm with his angry response to the recent changes at Marks & Spencers department store. You see they’ve done the unthinkable and changed the way they make underwear. Yes underwear! J-Pax (as he’ll now be known) is now very upset that these changes have left the underwear without “gusset support”. It’s caused a furore, and J-Pax has gone on record worrying about “widespread gusset anxiety”. Some would have to say that it’s just lucky a public British figure is complaining about mens underwear and not appearing in stockings an laderhosen.

We then crossed to the US Presidential Race, with Clinton and Obama neck and neck, Goo-Gliani initially doing well, then dropping out, the Clinton’s racial slurs, and Hillary discovering that all you need to do to win a primary is cry. That’s going to help when the bombs start falling. Hillary, the crying president.

The much anticipated “Cloverfield” film was released 48 hours before the US, and didn’t really disappoint. Some in the theatre were disappointed, but when they finally get a girl to look in their pants me thinks there will be a much sadder disappointment for all concerned. Basically it’s a US Godzilla flick with an apocalyptic ending. I recommend it. Really enjoyed it, and if you’re not in the whole Hollywood crap-fest. Then this is an interesting change.

The stockmarket collapsed, and then the Razzies for worst film of 2007. Interestingly enough, I saw some of the worst performances. Lindsay Lohan came out on top (nothing new for Lindsay) for “Georgia Rule” (will I ever get those 2 hours back) The film is only really interesting in that you see her give a guy some oral attention in a boat. Mind you, on her current record you’re probably next anyway! “Bratz” and “Daddy Day Camp” also come in on the top of the worst films, with Eddie Murphy and “Norbit” really getting honoured. Nicholas Cage was rightly honoured for his ‘work’ on “Ghost Rider” and “National Treasure”. Nick – you’re a loser. Stop acting!! You can’t so just don’t try!!

Fuck-O-Meter this week:
R: 3
P: 4
A: 0
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EPISODE #281 – Live Via Satellite from the Home of the Surrender Monkeys!!

Joining us LIVE via satellite from his Brussels hovel, we bring you Pete 08. Suave, continental, a man for all seasons, and to add to his glories, his accomplishments – A Walk in the Black Forest can now officially proclaim Pete 07 (his former persona) the winner of the Fuck O Meter 2007! And for that he gets the prize: 4 metres of garden hose, a bucket, 3 croissants and a lime coloured soup ladle. May you and your hypothetical future progeny enjoy them and use them for good and not evil…or at least film it and upload it somewhere!

A long detour, but as Pete joins us from Europe it gave Richard and him enough time to compare food, travel tips and their manhood! Thank God it was via satellite link!!

The NSW government, now known as the “Blunder Corp”, have come up with the idea of banning flavoured tobacco. This is supposed to deter young people from smoking. Hell when i was a kid, i can’t tell you the amount of times i’d go and spend $9 or $10 on some strawberry flavoured cigarettes. It was soooooooo cool!! Later on though i graduated to the heavy stuff – peach, lime… blackberry. Thanks to the NSW government I never have to look at another kid, sitting by the side of the road desperately licking a Strawberry Shortcake doll just to get a fix. Morris Enema, the children of NSW owe you a debt of gratitude! Of course this could mean the end of the hookah bars. Flavoured tobacco is very popular in the Middle East/ Granville. Oh well, they’ll have to do what the rest of us do – just smoke in a flavoured hooker instead. Yuck i feel sick now!!

The US Election got a real hammering this week as Pete was trapped in his Gulag-like room in Brussels. All he had to do all day was watch CNN and the free porn channels. He now has a very warped view of Wolf Blitzer!
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That being said the debate quickly moved from the election to Blu-Ray vs HD-DVD, then the election including a long ans complex explanation of the Iowa primary, how Huckabee LOVES Chuck Norris, and how Huckabee also LOVES Jesus!! All that plus CNN’s Election coverage room full of experts and Chief Political Correspondents! Mmmmmmmmmm, Wolf looks good!!

From CNN’s Anderson Cooper jetting around the world, to Britney being nuts, and the replacement for cricket – how about ice hockey… without the helmets or the padding!

Pete regaled us with tales of foreign excess! Weird Communist party rules from Hong Kong, how the Environment Minister and the Trade Minister were executed for not doing their jobs, how China is now full of McDonalds and Hugo Boss (good place for Hugo!!), how Shanghai is a huge shopping centre and how the US moving their manufacturing off China’s mainland to Laos and Cambodia will lead to World War 3. All that and some lanyards…

The Fuck O Meter this week? Well, you had to ask…
P: 5
R: 3
A: 1
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Even from so far away, he still gets the ball rolling with the swearing…!!

EPISODE #280 – Richard and the Kids…

Interesting thing how life changes us as we grow older. Personally i’ve started to see the wisdom in superannuation, Pete’s been known to tune into 2CH, and Richard’s been hanging around kids. Not in that way!! He’s just attained an appreciation for “Kid Nation” the TV show. So what happens when you isolated a whole lot of kids and let them run their own society free of adults? Life my friends. A microcosm of our own society! Now it’s all very interesting – but personally i’d like to see it after we send in a whole lot of sugar and crack, and then some well placed semi-automatic weapons. Lord of the Flies? Naaaah, Law of the Mac10 baby!!! Now of course this would be called “Kid Rock Nation” but that’s beside the point…

So Richard’s predilection for reality TV has been uncovered, now Pete turns out to be a peeping tom. Now sure, i mean we all occassionally catch a glimpse of our attractive next door neighbour as she undresses and has a shower while we’re just sitting around in her tree and happen to glance into the 3rd floor window – i mean come on – it happens. But Pete, well he’s a very different fish! His voyeurism goes deeper. In fact his voyeurism is all about TV. That’s right, he’s very up to date with world events, the latest in US TV trends, and the rapid decline of Katie Couric. All because he’s got his head in the next door neighbour’s window! Yes, they have satellite TV, so why not share it? Luckily Pete’s there to take up the offer they’d extend… if they knew he was interested.

Now the Catholic Church has money – a spare penny or two. Over the last couple of years they’ve been using that money, and the money of very generous parishioners to defend many many priests who were running their own version of “Kid Nation”. It’s all a matter of public record, so don’t get antsy with me!! Anyway, now the Catholic Church, who are holding World Youth Day in Sydney are expecting us, the broke people of NSW to fund this event. Excuse me… I’m not Catholic, i don’t agree with Catholicism, this event is a farce – AND I REFUSE TO PAY!!! But Morris Enema, the lacklustre Premier of NSW has decided we need to. Because the fact the Vatican makes a $billion in profit each year should effect that decision! All this money that could be going to hospitals, schools, public transport, and Morris and his Merry Band of Catholic Lapdogs have decided we should pay. Angry? No – fucking furious actually!!

Hey Mr President returns! That regular segment in badly in need of fibre… Speaking of fibre – here’s an arsehole for you! Rudy Giuliani. Just a matter of weeks before he pulled out of the race – he was blooded by WBF. “The Man Who saved New York after 911”, or so he’d like to be remembered anyway. It’s not true, but he likes to think so. At this point Huckabee’s popularity was increasing, and Rudy was running a sad 4th. Karma, huh? Well Rudy’s a moderate Republican, so he believes that bad women can have abortions and you can only have a gun if you only shoot Mexicans (i made those up!!), he was originally a Democrat, but like his 3 marriages and numerous affairs, he changed his mind. He’s pro-Iraq, which shows you just how out of touch he is, and his wife is running 6th on the ‘Hottest Presidential Wives Poll’. Frankly, he’s a grubby operator. But as per usual there’s a number of factors he needs to be judged on:
As you know all candidates in this section of the show are rated on 3 important criteria:
1] How many Social Networking Sites do you appear on – Rudy = 7
2] How much merchandise – Rudy = 28 (not in love with himself at all)
3] How many ringtones – Rudy = 0
Want some more info? Here take this with a grain of salt – but interesting read!
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Ten HD TV, Kevin Smith and apparently a new direction for Broadband usage (the less you use the better it works) rounded out the show before…

Poll Smoking! You’ve heard the polls, in fact you may have shot some in the Ardenne, but these are the polls that matter. 18% of Australians believe they will lose their job! What eventually? Well yes! Funnily enough 72% of people believe they could find another job quickly. Ahhhhh delusion. Try it and see… not fun! Looking at politics, 49% like the ALP and 36.5% like the Coalition. So nothing much there has changed when you look at the 4.5% average error rate in polls.

Fuck O Meter this week was somewhat elevated.
P: 4
R: 3
A: 1
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